Ah our thirties, often (though not always ) a time for marriage, babies and a healthy dose of career hustling. The decade where we spend our energies basically trying to get our shit together, whatever that might be! Sometimes however, the universe has other ideas that you aren’t privy to. Events that throw a serious wrench in your dream chasing. Being diagnosed with breast cancer is one of these such events.
What the ?!?
On December 22nd of 2017 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was blind sided, in shock, and devastated. Merry Christmas to me right!? How could this being happening.…I am only 34 years old. I am active, at a healthy weight, eat mindfully, am a life long non-smoker, ridiculously light drinker, and completely drug free barring the occasional Advil. I even thought things like but my boobs are so tiny and I breast fed!
What did I do wrong?
Of course the answer to that was nothing. Which I would accept, but not before questioning my life choices perhaps an unhealthy amount. Sometimes, none of it matters and you can do everything ‘right’, these things just happen. The word unfair has crossed my mind about a million times over these past months. And though I am infinitely better mentally now than when I began this whirlwind of a trip, that word still gets tossed around my mind. Of course, life is never fair so to speak. It’s full of ups and downs, incredible happiness and devastating sorrow, love and pain, laughter and tears…it’s wonderful, magical, and completely unpredictable.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, am I right? So here’s a little bit about the start of my journey and where I am now.
The Beginning
1 in 8 women will get breast cancer in their lifetime. That, to me, is a crazy statistic. However, only about 2% of these cases occur in women under 35. So naturally, this wasn’t really something that was on my radar to be concerned about, at least not yet. I wasn’t doing regular exams on myself and I always somehow thought if I ever developed a lump it would be kind of obvious. That was not even remotely true. That all being said, I did not find my lump on my own and I wouldn’t have until much later I gather.
My doctor is a saint.
She discovered it at my annual physical in November of 2017. It was small and really hidden under a lot of tissue. I had to actively search her area of concern to find it for myself. I am infinitely lucky to have such a thorough doctor. When she told me, and said she wanted to send me for a mammogram and ultrasound just to be safe I wasn’t really worried. It couldn’t possibly be anything serious and my doctor is just taking precautions (something she does and one reason why I love her). My appointments got scheduled and my life went on. The thought that I may have cancer flitted across my mind now and then but I quickly dismissed it.
Not so fast said the universe…
Then came the moment I got my initial results and my doctor told me there was indeed a mass and I would need to have a biopsy. She told me this on December 4th (some dates will never leave your mind). I was a little shocked in that moment. It was serious enough to need a biopsy? Okay fine, it’s all good, I can do this. I cried, I dealt, I scheduled my appointment and tried to not have the word cancer occupy my every thought. After all, the holidays were coming and I had shit to do lol. And of course, there was still a good possibility it was a benign nothing. Statistics were in my favour. I tried to remain calm, cool, and collected.
The Moment of Truth
I have to start by saying I am extremely lucky to live in Canada and in Toronto specifically. From my biopsy up until now, all of my treatments have been done at the Princess Margaret Cancer Centre. One of the largest and most well known cancer centres worldwide. All of my doctors and nurses have been nothing short of fabulous and I know that I am in excellent hands. It gives a girl confidence when she really needs it. Not to mention, everything has been free. Thank you Canadian health care system!
My first visit to this hospital was for my biopsy, which happened on December 21st, and in less than 24 hours, on December 22nd, I received the news. I was anxious as hell that morning and I had done lots of self-talk throughout the month of December to try and prepare myself in the event it was cancer. Just in case. All the while trying to maintain the most positive attitude that it would turn out to be nothing.
Nothing is ever enough…
Even with all of the pep talks, not a thing can really prepare you for that moment. The moment someone says to you, I’m sorry but it is cancer. I took a deep breath and calmly said, ‘it’s okay, just tell me how bad it is’. I would not, could not cry not here, not right now, I would hold myself together.
They can’t tell too much from an initial biopsy as far as pathology but from what they could tell, the cancer was triple positive and Stage 1. At that moment, I felt a slight bit of relief. Okay, Stage 1, that’s good, I am going to be fine. If I had a dollar for every time those words, ‘I am going to be fine’, passed my mind in the past 5 months I would be rich. The nurse gave me a plethora of knowledge to absorb and we talked about next steps. The decision to have a mastectomy happened right away but the rest of my plan was uncertain, would require yet more information, and a lot of thought on my part.
Next Steps
In the next couple of weeks I would have a lot of appointments scheduled, including an MRI and my initial meeting with my Surgical Oncologist to discuss my options and timeline. Over these couple of weeks, I tried to enjoy the holidays (a little tough to say the least but I did my best!) and come to terms with the fact that I had a serious illness that I would need to overcome.
Life changing decisions…and I suck at decisions.
Since surgery would be my first step, I had two big decisions to make; Would I have a bilateral mastectomy or not, and would I opt for immediate reconstruction? These decisions did not come lightly and will, in the coming weeks, each get a post of their own. For now, I will just tell you that I decided on a full bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction and that this disease became my full time job.
The Waiting Game
The waiting, ah the waiting! It has to be one of the worst parts of going through this. Waiting for the next appointment, the surgery date, your pathology reports, etc, etc. During these times you are liable to drive yourself mad if you allow it. The waiting between my diagnosis and my surgery date (about 4 weeks) was the worst. It’s hard to not imagine this poison in your body festering there and all you can do is wait.
Taking matters into my own hands.
Alcohol was the first thing to go and I optimized my diet to include as many breast cancer fighting foods as I could possibly manage. Many books were purchased and research done on cancer fighting foods. Food as medicine is something I believe in wholeheartedly. I also stocked up on healing crystals. Amethyst, rose quartz, and black tourmaline became my bff’s. Doing these things made me feel like I was actively participating in my health and not just waiting on doctors. It was, and still is, absolutely crucial to my well being.
Keep your mind strong and your body will follow…
Mentally this time was extremely challenging. Between Googling (not recommended by a single doctor by the way, lol!), and your own mind and imagination you can either doom yourself or make yourself strong. Walk through the fire or be burned by it. Everyone goes through moments of both, doom and gloom, sunny and bright. I know I did…I would imagine the worst things, I cried endless tears, went from sad and angry to hopeful and positive. Everyone’s journey through this is different and we all need to find our own footing, our own way to move forward.
On Moving Forward
I got through my surgery, and with that found out more particulars of my tumour, lymph node involvement, staging and the treatment I would need to receive from here. After the surgery, I was actually diagnosed as Stage 2. Devastation occurred for a second time, it was not Stage 1 as they originally thought.
Though my tumour was less than 2cm, I had some lymph node involvement (something I prayed to goddess would not be the case). Once again I had to mentally pep talk myself into dealing with this disease and reminding myself that I would get through this. I have gotten really good at pep talks by the way! 😛
The lowdown
My basic characteristics are this; Stage 2, triple positive, grade 3 tumour, 1 lymph node involved. These things meant I would need chemotherapy, likely radiation, and that I would be on a drug called Herceptin for one full year. That’s the gist anyways. Given my age and characteristics of my tumour, my doctors want to do everything possibe to minimize the chance of recurrence. I am in the high-risk group of this happening and I do not want to go through this again, hopefully ever.
Taking the good with the bad.
While the news after my surgery was not exactly what I wanted to hear, I was relieved to finally know more and to have a plan ahead of me. And I was very aware that it could be much much worse. I was still in early stages and I felt blessed for that. Many young women are not so lucky.
I spent the time healing from my surgery to hone my positivity and prepare my mind and body as best I could to begin chemotherapy which is by far the most dreaded part of treatment, for most I think.
Where I Am Now
At this moment in time I am halfway through my chemotherapy treatments (yay!). I have an end date in June, which I am anxiously awaiting. After that I will undergo radiation treatments and then finally be able to have my exchange surgery for my reconstruction. I am powering through! Though some days are definitely better than others, I am doing a damn fine job of maintaining a positive outlook for sunny days ahead if I do say so myself lol. They are coming!
Tip of the Iceberg.
I have many more posts to write on my experiences so far. More detailed posts about my surgery, reconstruction, healing, and what my chemo has been like. This is an initial post I wanted to share as an introduction and to put it out there. I am a pretty private person by nature but if my posts help even one person who is going through this, even just a little, then sharing has been worth it.
On Cancer and Being Young
We often feel isolated as young adults with breast cancer as we make up such a small number of cases. I am always the youngest looking person in the waiting room at my appointments (I tend to look even younger than my age) and people often look at me with wonder or maybe with sorrow that I am there. An appointment has not gone by where my age wasn’t referenced in some way.
The experience and challenges of this disease are quite different than those of women who are diagnosed at later stages in life and, without support, the journey can feel lonely.
Sharing is Caring
Blogs and reading others experiences on Instagram have been really helpful for me, especially since I am not one to go for the sharing in-person group therapy type of environments. As I said, I am private and a little introverted if I am being completely honest lol, making those types of settings a little uncomfortable for me.
Making a contribution, however small.
This is my very small contribution of getting my story out there and hopefully raising a bit more awareness to young ladies that this disease really can come on at any age. None of us are immune to it and we need to be awake to that fact. Even if you think you are too young and don’t need to think about it yet. Not that we should all be sitting around worrying about it all day (of course not!) but do be proactive in your health. Do self-breast exams and have a yearly physical with your doctor, because we are never too young to take our health seriously.
And lastly, appreciate with every ounce of your being each damn second we have to enjoy this crazy thing called life. It’s always shorter than we think.
Until Next Time!
Okay, I’ll stop rambling! I’ll end things here for now with more posts coming soon. I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for taking the time out of what I’m sure are busy schedules to read!
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Blessed be for now pixie dolls.
Yours in health and magick,
Krystle xo
Disclaimer: This post was written for educational and informative purposes only and is not intended to treat, cure, diagnose, or prevent disease. I am not a doctor! Always consult your primary care physician or naturopathic doctor before making any significant changes to your health routine.
